Movie Review: Fifty Shades of Dakota's Nipples

Ginger: I did NOT read any of the Fifty Shades books and Spank read them all, so I figure the both of us were the perfect people to co-review this film, since we represent EVERY PERSON on planet earth... those that read the books, and those that didn't. 

Before we start on the review of Fifty Shades of Dakota's Nipples, I have to say I did not originally realize the actress who plays Anastasia (the lead in the movie) is the daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson. Long ago I read an interview where Melanie Griffith revealed that Don Johnson was her "first" when she was 14 and he was in his early 20's. How's that for creepy trivia that has nothing at all to do with the film? They did go on to marry and divorce each other twice and at one point had Dakota, the actress in this film, so perhaps that's all water under the bridge now.  

Spank: Before we start on the review of Fifty Shades of Dakota's Nipples, I have to say I did not realize that the full bush was back in style.

Ginger: She was trimmed, was she not? It was definitely a bush, but I'm not sure it was a free range bush.  Confession: I'm not an expert in women's bushes.

Spank:  I don't remember if she was "trimmed" but she had bush, and didn't shave her legs because I saw fuzz... 

Ginger: I think everyone noticed her unshaved leg hair. 

Should I explain to our readers why I've renamed this movie (Fifty Shades of Grey), Fifty Shades of Dakota's Nipples?

Spank: Yes... According to Mr. S it's because Dakota's Nipples are the only good thing about this movie. ...and I would add women's liberation from Brazilian wax torture.

Ginger: HA! I renamed it because there were 64 nipple shots in this movie. SIXTY-FOUR NIPPLE SHOTS!!!!  Our friend Cyndi had to see it again and agreed to count for us.

Spank: Was she counting each nipple or the pair counts as one?

...either way, what this essentially tells us is that the movie was so boring that rather than count sheep, she counted Dakota's nipples.

Ginger: I asked Cyndi the same question! She counted only the shots. We can't just double it since some shots only showed one nipple. Even if the shot zeroed in on something else, they made sure to show at least one of her nipples, even if it was in the corner of the scene.

Wait, was there a story beyond showing Dakota's nipples in this movie??

Spank: I propose this for anyone who hasn't seen this film yet: DON'T WATCH IT.  However, should you find yourself hard-pressed to do so, may we here at The Spank and Ginger Show suggest that you use Dakota's Nipples as a drinking game?  You're guaranteed to get drunk and forget you wasted your time and money.

Ginger: OMG you're a genius, Spank. Should I be forced to watch this movie again, I will do the Dakota's Nipples Drinking Game for sure.

Spank: Well, regrettably we should discuss the film now:

For those who are unaware, Fifty Shades of Grey originated as a Twilight "fan-fic" written by E.L. James, a woman who fancies herself an author (she's not). Essentially, she took Edward Cullen (notably a possessive, obsessive, control freak vampire fixated on an awkward virgin who trips a lot), substituted BDSM (dominant/submissive relationship) for vampirism and renamed the character Christian Grey, making him a possessive, obsessive, control freak non-sparkly male fixated on an awkward virgin who trips a lot. 

So it was no surprise I had a terrible sense of Déjà vu during the film. Emphasis on terrible.

Ginger: Seriously, I thought the first 15 minutes of the movie WAS Twilight. There are too many similarities to mention, but when she was walking from her college classes in the rain, to the parking lot, I was sure she was headed toward an old beat-up red truck, where a van would then careen out of control toward her and a sparkly vamp named Edwillard (remember we have to change the names since they are copying Twilight but don't want to get sued) jumps in front of her and stops the van, saving her life.  Instead, she heads toward a beat-up old VW Bug.

Spank: Exactly my point. There were so many moments (dialogue and visual) that were an absolute ripoff of Twilight.  And Twilight was bad enough -- we didn't need worse.

Ginger: When I later told Mr. G (who worked on the Twilight movie) that Twilight was a better movie than Fifty Shades, I should've made sure he was not in the middle of drinking, because he spewed out his wine in response. Wine is not fun to clean up, FYI.  

I know the story is a rip off of Twilight, but you'd think they'd fix it in the movie version so it didn't FEEL so much like Twilight. It's like Twilight.... with nipples! Lots and lots of nipples.

Spank: 64 shots of nipples, to be precise.

Ginger: Don't even get me started on how many times Dakota bit her bottom lip. I should've asked Cyndi to give us a lip biting count as well, but between that and the nipple count, it may have been too overwhelming for her.

Spank: At least it wasn't the incessant eye blinking bitch-face Bella action we had to endure, so that's a plus. But that's as far as I will go toward issuing props. The book was terrible and if they had a shot at making a marginally good film they should have taken the bones and built a new body of work. Instead we were subjected to a gross misinterpretation of a BDSM relationship chock full of bad dialogue, choppy sequences, unhealthy fixation and flat-out manipulation and coercion. At one point, Christian informs Anastasia that if she doesn't do as he asks he will punish her. In response, Mr. S exclaimed in the theater, "I feel I'm being punished just watching this movie." To that end,  good point, well made, Mr. Grey.

Ginger: I'm kind of selfishly glad it was a poor representation of BDSM, otherwise I would've had to break out my "NO" button, which I DID take to the movie but didn't have to use. Other than tying her up, I'd say all the sex was pretty vanilla... yet it all seemed very clinical and not arousing at all.  

Spank: I have never wished for "fade to black" more in my life. The actors had less chemistry than an English Lit. class.

Ginger: *gigglesnort* No joke! Can we talk about her "first" time? Like when Christian Grey finds out she's a virgin and immediately drags Ana into a room so he can remedy it as soon as possible?  *sigh* That's just what every girl wants for her first time. Soooo romantic.

Spank: When it comes to romance, if Christian Grey aimed to please he completely missed the mark.

Ginger: There was no pleasing to be had. No preparation for her first time, he just did it to her immediately. And during the sex Ana is incapable of anything more than a quiet "ahhhh". Or maybe that's due to Christian Grey missing the mark over and over.

Spank: I wonder if Anastasia thought that was her punishment, because it was far more painful to watch that sex scene than to be flogged. And let me end on this note, the final scene--that was not sex-play, nor was she being "punished." It was abusive, and that is NOT the nature of BDSM. Leaving welts as a parting gift was not in the contract.

Ginger: Agreed. That flogging scene at the end had nothing to do with sex. That was just plain abuse for abuse's sake. Awkward! And then Ana decides that's not okay, tells him so, breaks up with him and leaves... end of movie. *roll credits*

Spank: It was as anticlimactic as all sex scenes combined. With that, I'm giving it no thumbs. Not even one. Not even a one dirty thumb ripe with e-coli from no-no hole action.  Additionally, Mr. S, who endured vast pain and suffering has offered his own rating system, The Penis Rise Gauge (trademark pending), and the results are in: "limp and flaccid."

Ginger: Thank GOD there were no dirty thumbs and there was no appearance of the no-no hole!  Spank, can you think of anything, anything at all that made it a movie worth seeing?

Spank: Some of the previews for other movies were pretty entertaining.

Ginger: I was too busy talking to one of the authors in front of me (Hi H.J. Bellus!), taking group pics with my phone, and tweeting to notice the previews. *hangs head in shame*  My overall rating... zero thumbs up as well.  The movie was... meh.  If there was no controversial book associated with it, it would bomb.

It wasn't even cheesy enough to make fun of, like Twilight was. 
Sidenote: We used to co-author a silly Twilight blog (Twilightheaded), so we feel entitled to make fun of it as we please.

Spank: You know a movie is awful when you get us wistful for Twilight. So dear readers, let us not have suffered in vain. Do not see this movie. If you really want some BDSM action, may I suggest this...

Ginger: Truly, I would've had so much more fun watching Twilight and the vampires running Kung Fu movie style.  Don't see this movie. It's just a meh movie. Not so bad it's cheesy and not good enough to enjoy.  Just meh.

But three cheers to our friend Cyndi, who studiously watched it again so she could give us a nipple shot count for this review!

Spank: Yes! She suffered greatly for the cause.  Let's all have a moment of silence for her sacrifice.

*awkward pause*

Ginger: In summary, don't see this movie unless you just like to look at nipples.

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Book Review: "Beauty and the Mustache" by Penny Reid

We realize our previous book review was about a book that was also written by Penny Reid, but this is our blog and we can do whatever we want. And we want to review another Penny Reid book!!

Book Synopsis: This is a full-length novel, can be read as a standalone, and is the fourth book in the 'Knitting in the City' series. 

There are three things you need to know about Ashley Winston: 1) She has six brothers and they all have beards, 2) She is a reader, and 3) She knows how to knit. 

Former beauty queen, Ashley Winston’s preferred coping strategy is escapism. She escaped her Tennessee small town, loathsome father, and six brothers eight years ago. Now she escapes life daily via her Amazon kindle one-click addiction. However, when a family tragedy forces her to return home, Ashley can’t escape the notice of Drew Runous— local Game Warden, bear wrestler, philosopher, and everyone’s favorite guy. Drew’s irksome philosophizing in particular makes Ashley want to run for the skyscrapers, especially since he can’t seem to keep his exasperating opinions— or his soulful poetry, steadfast support, and delightful hands— to himself. Pretty soon the girl who wanted nothing more than the escape of the big city finds she’s lost her heart in small town Tennessee.

Ginger: Even though this is book 4 in her Knitting in the City series, I agree that this one can be read as a stand-alone without having read the other books in the series, what do you think? 

Spank: It absolutely can, but I say that with the caveat that you all should read the first three and a half books (before during or after this one).

Ginger: Absolutely! All of her books need to be read. I just think you can read this one out of order. It will give you minor spoilers as to whom two of the girls in the knitting club end up with, but not enough to spoil their stories. 

Spank: Indeed. Threaded throughout this story are characters from her previous novels but done so in a way that if you haven't read those books you would not feel as if you were out of the loop.

I know I sound like a complete fan-girl when I speak about Penny Reid as an author but I have to say that what she did with this novel was not easy.  She took profound tragedy and grounded it with dysfunctional (sometimes hilarious!) family issues and then topped it with romance.  Sounds like a disaster, right?  

Wrong.  Penny knitted the romance into this story in a quality manner.  It was slow and steady and by the time Ashley was emotionally ready for it to happen, it was time for it to happen.

Ginger: I couldn't have said it better myself. (and I see what you did there with "knitted the romance"... haha) This book was a little different from the other ones.  It had humor, but it wasn't as light-hearted as its predecessors.

Should we talk about Ashley's 6 brothers?

Spank: Yes. The brothers: Jethro, Billy, Cletus, Roscoe, Duane and Beauford (twins, double the fun!).  These boys are all that is right with raucous, bearded men!  They provided much comedic relief throughout the story.

Ginger: Now you know I'm not usually a fan of bearded men. My stance on beards is that they are an inappropriate use of facial hair.

Spank: As opposed to, say.... eyebrows?

Ginger: Exactly. The only exception is when someone has a ginger beard (as the twins Duane and Beauford do), since it shows they're in da club. You know, the 2% ginger club.  

But... beards are scratchy. They are food catchers.  They are... ugh.

Spank: Oh Ginger, Ginger, Ginger.  This blog does not have an R rating so I will just look to our readers and whisper, "Am I right?????"

Ginger: Yes, I heard Angelina Jolie say she enjoyed Brad Pitt's ratty beard he had to grow for that one movie. I don't know... Mr. G can't even grow a beard, so I have no experience with it in terms of your secretive whispering.

Spank: Mr. G can't grow a beard? If I'm being entirely honest I could probably grow a beard -- yet another Sicilian Girl Problem.  But, I digress...

Ginger: I haven't always been anti-beard.  Years ago I liked the closely trimmed beard George Michael had back when I was in love with him.  That was way before we knew he was gay and I realized I would never stand a chance with him. 

Spank: That's not a beard, that's a shadow!

Ginger: It counts as a beard!  I even dressed up as George Michael for Halloween one year. 

Spank: This I have to see.

Ginger: The resemblance is uncanny, am I right?

Spank: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *takes a breath* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's George Michael's doppelgänger!  I mean... WHAM! BAM! That's ... not a man!

Ginger: *gigglesnort*

Spank: Actually, this is a perfect segue to Drew Runous because, as someone with a deep affinity for facial hair (outside of eyebrows), I was salivating while reading Ashley's assessment of Drew:

"He was ... an unshaven, lion wrestling, mountain man recluse, toss you over his shoulder and plunder your goodies kind of handsome.  He was both scary and swoony.  I wanted to braid his beard."

There is something to be said for a good beard burn.... Just sayin'.

Ginger:  OMG, that comment about wanting to braid his beard cracked me up.  So yes, it was a little hard for me to fall for Drew initially with his braidable-beard status. But I got there. I just imagined him with a more trim George Michael shadow beard.

Spank: As long as no one is imagining Drew as YOU with a trim George Michael shadow beard we should be fine.

Ginger: NO ONE should imagine me with a George Michael shadow beard.

Spank: There is a part of me that wants to say this is my favorite book in the series but then I feel like a parent admitting they have a favorite child, which is wrong to admit (right?), so I will say that while I love ALL of the stories Penny Reid has written, and the characters she has brought to life, this one resonated with me the most. Why?  Because life is messy and through these characters we saw the human condition to self-protect while also needing to commune.  And how in tragedy, perspective profoundly changes. I don't want to say I hate happy endings but life is comprised of pain as well.  It is what you do with the good and the bad that creates the measure of your life. And in this story there is such authenticity in the development of the relationship between Drew and Ashley. It was beautiful to witness their slow dance that was equal parts cerebral and physical, and the glimmer of joy they shared amidst looming tragedy ultimately finding love in a hopeless place (apologies to our readers for the earworm)

Ginger- Wow, Spank. You just sounded all professional. You could write for Cliffs Notes.

Spank: I just wanted to try on the role of "straight man" but no worries good readers, I know I do much better trying on straight jackets.

Ginger: I really loved the brothers. I can relate to being the object of really bad pranks by an older brother, so they really resonated with me, especially with Ashley's hesitancy to see them as adults now.  I loved the chemistry between her and her brothers and found myself wanting to be Ashley, with the Winston boys as my brothers.  I loved the protectiveness some of them exhibited toward her in relation to Drew. I loved the boys so much, I flipped out with glee when author Penny Reid decided to do a spin-off series where each brother gets his own book!! (starting with brother Duane in Summer 2015) Awww yeah... she's starting with one of the gingers!

Spank: Yes! I am starting to think the author's master plan is to keep this the "We Reid Penny" blog and I'm really okay with that. So, G -- you ready to rate Beauty and the Mustache?

Ginger: I am, Spank. I give it 5 clean thumbs up!! 

I'm loving the "We Reid Penny"!! How about you, what is your rating of Beauty and the Mustache?

Spank: I am giving it 5 clean thumbs up only because that's the limit.

Ginger: And that concludes our review of Beauty and the Mustache. Go, right now and get it. Read it as a standalone, or read the previous books in the series. Either way, READ IT!!

Series Order:

Neanderthal Seeks Human: A Smart Romance (Knitting in the City) (Volume 1)
Neanderthal Marries Human: A Smarter Romance (Knitting in the City #1.5)
Friends Without Benefits: An Unrequited Romance (Knitting in the City) (Volume 2)
Love Hacked: A Reluctant Romance (Knitting in the City) (Volume 3)
Beauty and the Mustache: A Philosophical Romance (Knitting in the City Book 4)



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Winners of "Neanderthal Seeks Human" by Penny Reid Announced!!!

Ladies and Gentleman, we are very excited to announce the 3 winners of our very first giveaway on The Spank and Ginger Show!

First off, Spank and I are giving away two copies of Neanderthal Seeks Human by Penny Reid in Kindle or book form.


The first winner is...

The second winner is...

Congratulations ladies!! Please click our "Email Us" tab at the top of the blog and provide us with your contact info, and let us know if you want the book in Kindle format or hard copy.

Now, for the Grand Prize Winner, that wins the autographed copy of Neanderthal Seeks Human and a Neanderthal Seeks Human coffee mug, straight from author Penny Reid!



And the winner is...

Congratulations Nessa!! Please email us with your contact info so you can get your autographed book and mug!!



Thank you to each and every one of you who entered our giveaway, liked us on Facebook and shared the giveaway on Facebook and Twitter. For those who didn't win, please do yourselves a favor and get
Neanderthal Seeks Human: A Smart Romance (Knitting in the City) , the first in Penny Reid's "Knitting in the City" series.  It is one of our favorite books, in one of our favorite series by one of our favorite authors, which is why we chose this book as our very first review and giveaway.  Stick with us, and we will review all the books in the series.